We all suck at listening.
As soon as I made that statement, I guarantee you started framing a response to refute my insult.
So, go ahead. Tell me how well you listen, and I will still say you and everyone else (myself included) can do a better job.
Let’s face it, when someone else is talking are we really listening? I posit the same holds true for the written word - those instant messages and chat posts we fire off about as fast as a verbal retort.
There is an innate desire to respond, to counter, to share our opinions on the issues or matters at hand. We do so quickly and often without truly thinking … or listening.
This is particularly true today. When someone mentions Black Lives Matter, what are you hearing? Are you responding by saying Blue Lives Matter or All Lives Matter? When someone talks about whites being racist, are you quick to say you are not because you marched in a protest with your black friends?
These are tough questions that require all of us to do a better job of listening to each other.
But what is listening?
I won’t delve too deep into the mechanics. Just know that listening ranges from pretending to hear what the speaker is saying to fully absorbing what is being shared.
I’ve done a lot of communications training in my career and one of my favorite sessions focuses on improving our listening skills. I jokingly call it the “Shut Up and Listen” session and we talk about how people are naturally inclined to jump into a conversation with their views, as opposed to fully understanding and comprehending the issue that is being shared.
This is particularly true today as people vocally push the agendas of the #BlackLivesMatter, #BlueLivesMatter and #AllLivesMatter movements. On the surface, it’s easy to say that all lives matter. Why should we separate our efforts to help all people and focus on just Black America?
But that’s the point. For years, we have been quick to tamp down the voices of the #BlackLivesMatter movement. We have refused to listen and by listening, I am referring to a technique called “listening to be influenced”.
Too often, we listen in a superficial manner. We hear but we don’t understand. Like I demonstrated at the start of this post, we are quick to counter, refute and argue that the speaker is wrong. We do this without clearing our minds and opening ourselves up to understanding experiences that are foreign to us.
Consider a sexual assault victim. For many years, we refused to listen to the victims, often judging them as the guilty party. While we have a long way to go, we are getting better at listening and acting when a sexual assault victim comes forward. The #MeToo movement forced us - namely males - to better understand how we have allowed a culture of abuse to persist for years. And, as a result, we learned that we needed take action to stop it from continuing.
That is what needs to happen today in the wake of George Floyd’s killing. The #BlackLivesMatter movement is raising its voice. Are we ignoring the pleas of people who have had enough with police brutality or are we listening deeper and comprehending that they want us - white Americans - to not just acknowledge responsibility for systemic racism but also take action to set things right?
I’m not saying you have to agree with everything you hear. Some of the topics - defunding police to reparations - are divisive and have generated emotional debate.
That said, debate on the issues is necessary. Effective debaters don’t just argue their point of view. They know the pros and cons of the views they are countering. They take the time to understand what others believe. Debaters know how to listen. And there are times, they can be influenced to change their views.
So, if we are going to have meaningful dialogue, constructive debates and, ultimately, change people’s minds, the first thing we need to do is Shut Up and Listen.
I’m listening….
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